Grim Dawn Alpha Review

Greetings mother-clickers!

Yesterday the Grim Dawn Alpha was released to the rapturous changing of its Steam status from ‘app not released yet’ to ‘configuring files for install’. Not many people knew about this amazing event because they disregarded our warning of impending release. So we might have said that a bit early, perhaps a year early – but as they say a prophet is never recognised in his own time.

Anyway, as an organisation way ahead of the curve, Wasder has already reviewed Grim Dawn – so this post is merely a formality. In case you’ve forgotten, that was possible due to a pioneering method for reviewing unreleased games based completely on expectation… Also, the world’s only ‘completely’ objective rating system specifically designed for action-rpg’s.

Actually, we can’t really remember our review/scoring method either either, but we strongly recommend you look it up now if you’re concerned about possible bias or even just to make a bit more sense of what we’re talking about.

Grim Dawn Review

The numbers of people affected by plague in this picture is tragic. Numbers! gettit? Nevermind…

Exploring the Game World

Running along enjoying the smooth flow of Grim Dawn, passive-aggressively clicking on monsters with my favourite spell, I had no idea that it was about to send me on a trip that would almost scar me for life.

The spell is called Bloody Pox. This is it’s in-game description: ‘Shunned even by many occultists for the prolonged suffering it inflicts, this abhorrent curse calls down a virulent plague to spread amongst foes, inexorably sapping their life force and causing them to bleed from every orifice’

On the other hand… um, OK there is no other hand… you’re pretty much done bang to rights if Hans Blix comes looking for WMD’s…

Anyway, soon I ran into a huge mob of monsters… Dozens filled the screen – a good time to pass around some Bloody Pox like colourful pills at a rave. Bad move… first the game lagged trying to comprehend the sheer magnitude of the war crime in progress… then my character started warping through the landscape at top speed – passing through many familiar sights till I finally ended up in a deserted place called ‘Old Grove’. Uh oh..

I was completely alone in Old Grove till I found this guy:

Grim Dawn Bug

Was this the nemesis sent to make me pay for using biological weapons? Hans Blix, is that you??? I sicced my character’s pet Hellhound on him but he was aloof and  invincible, ignoring the attacks in non-violent protest like a colourful Ghandi.

Shaken, I opened a portal back into town, having witnessed the loneliness and clipping issues that come to those who do evil…

Grim Dawn Loot Review

This is Gin Down, my first Grim Dawn character. Click to zoom.

The Patent ‘Loot Test’

I’ve got two words for you – Cloth Strap. The first piece of loot I found in Grim Dawn.

Is the loot system addictive? Well.. it’s hard to find anyone who would admit to a cloth strap addiction… but I must admit it made me curious. It has a minimum physique requirement to wear it, which doesn’t make sense. A piece of cloth you wrap around yourself should have a maximum physique requirement if anything – you’re gonna run out of cloth eventually if you keep expanding.

Coincidentally a fate likely to befall cloth strap collecting players of Grim Dawn.

In our rule system, Grim Dawn gets a 1 and a 2, for an average loot addiction score of 1.5.

Grim Dawn Review

Getting clubbed has apparently been an enlightening experience for this zombie.

Action Test:

The first monsters you meet in Grim Dawn are called Walking Dead, so apparently that’s not copyrighted or anything. If you look up ‘complete absence of originality and scariness’ in the encyclopedia there’s a picture of a Zombie (it’s obviously quite close to the end). You know how people on the internet always talk about what they would do in a zombie apocalypse? At this rate when  it actually happens no-one’s going to bat an eyelid.

Anyway back to the point. Grim Dawn has more gore than its predecessor Titan Quest at least – more along the lines of Diablo 3 and Torchlight 2. Maybe around a 6/10 on the violence meter.

Grim Dawn Review Death

Yeah you better run! …’tis but a scratch etc.

The Walking Dead took  20.13 seconds to kill me, and after they did me in, they ran away skittishly which is firstly not very ghoulish, and secondly a burst of speed inconsistent with their name and the amount of time they actually take to kill you.

But in their defence, people say that killing for sport is bad, but killing for food is okay. So following that logic,  if zombies killed for food they’d be good… and zombies aren’t supposed to be good. So maybe the running away makes sense.

I make that (0+6)/20.13= Score of 0.3 


This is by far the most action quotient we’ve seen in an ARPG ever! Meaning that there’s not even any reason to cook the books by adding our secret ‘bias number’ this time. Grim Dawn even got the lowest Loot Addiction score in history, which is good because that score was ‘lower is better’ all along even though we never mentioned that before. Therefore Grim Dawn is better for you health-wise.

You can’t argue with science and Wasder has to conclude that Grim Dawn is the best Action- Role Playing Game ever in the process of being made.

You can get into the alpha yourself here.


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