Grim Dawn Alpha Review

Greetings mother-clickers!

Yesterday the Grim Dawn Alpha was released to the rapturous changing of its Steam status from ‘app not released yet’ to ‘configuring files for install’. Not many people knew about this amazing event because they disregarded our warning of impending release. So we might have said that a bit early, perhaps a year early – but as they say prophets are dismissed in their own time… and often wrong.

Anyway, as an organisation way ahead of its time, Wasder has already reviewed Grim Dawn so this post is merely a formality. If you remember, we did it by pioneering a method for reviewing unreleased games based on expectation, and the world’s only objective rating system specifically designed for action-rpg’s.

We can’t really remember it, but you can look it up if you’re concerned that we may be biased towards Grim Dawn, the greatest action-rpg of all time. Also to make sense of the scoring system if you can.

Grim Dawn Review

The numbers of people affected by pox in this picture is tragic. Numbers! gettit? Nevermind…

Exploration: Running along enjoying the smooth flow of Grim Dawn, passive-aggressively clicking on monsters with my favourite spell, I had no idea that it was about to send me on a bad trip – literally. The spell is Blood Pox: ‘Shunned even by many occultists for the prolonged suffering it inflicts, this abhorrent curse calls down a virulent plague to spread amongst foes, inexorably sapping their life force and causing them to bleed from every orifice’  On the other hand… um, OK there is no other hand but that ‘bleeding from every orifice’ thing is a gross exaggeration, it would be cool if it was true, but it doesn’t happen. Just say ‘There’s no WMD you goddamn neocon!’ if anyone asks.

Anyway, then I ran into a huge mob of monsters, dozens filling the screen – a good time to pass some Bloody Pox around like pills at a rave. Bad move… first the game lagged trying to comprehend the sheer magnitude of the war crime in progress… then my character started warping through the landscape at top speed – passing through many familiar sights till I finally ended up in a deserted place called ‘Old Grove’. Uh oh..

I was completely alone in Old Grove till I found this guy:

Grim Dawn Bug

Was this the nemesis sent to make me pay for using biological weapons? I sicced the Hellhound on him but he was aloof and  invincible, ignoring the attacks in non-violent protest like a colourful Ghandi.

Shaken, I opened a rift back to town, having witnessed the loneliness and clipping issues that come to those who do evil.

Grim Dawn Loot Review

This is Gin Down, my first Grim Dawn character. Click to zoom.

Loot Test: Two words for you – Cloth Strap. The first piece of loot I found in Grim Dawn.

So is the loot system addictive? Well.. it’s hard to find anyone who would admit to a cloth strap addiction but I must admit it made me curious. It has a minimum physique requirement to wear it (35) when it should have a maximum physique requirement instead – ‘Your character is too goddamn fat to get this round them…‘ This idea makes awesome sense if combined with a program to combat loot addiction in players of ARPG’s. It should only effect high-level characters and include the message -’You too tubby, you’ve been collecting straps too long, f*** off and get some exercise.’

We’ll give Grim Dawn a 1 and a 2, for an average loot addiction score of 1.5.

Grim Dawn Review

This guy looks like he was just hit with the Rhythm Stick.

Action Test: The first monsters in the Grim Dawn alpha are called Walking Dead, so apparently that’s not copyrighted or something. Zero for originality and zero for scariness. You know how people talk about what they would do in a zombie apocalypse, and who they’d choose as companions etc. I say don’t ruin it, at this rate if the zombie apocalypse actually happens no-one is going to be scared.

In our experience, it has more gore than Titan Quest though, more along the bloodlines of Diablo 3 and Torchlight 2, maybe around a 6/10.

Grim Dawn Review Death

Yeah you better run!

The first mob took 20.13 seconds to kill me. After they did me in, they ran away skittishly… That’s not very ghoulish! Though I guess it makes sense, killing for food not sport is quite an ethical stance, and zombies are not supposed to be ethical.

That gives (0+6)/20.13= Score of 0.3 

Conclusion
This is by far the most action quotient we’ve seen in an ARPG ever. Meaning that’s there’s no reason to cook the books by adding our secret ‘bias number’. Grim Dawn even got the lowest Loot Addiction score in history, which is good because that score was ‘lower is better’ all along even though we didn’t mention it. This means Grim Dawn is better for you health-wise.

You can’t argue with science and wasder has to conclude from playing this Grim Dawn Alpha that it’s the best Action- Role Playing Game ever in the process of being made.

You can get into the alpha here.

  • Ryan

    Best ever huh???

    • wasder_unguided

      The facts are there…

 

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